What Do You Have?

Our church had it’s VBS this week. It turned out to be much more heart-changing than I ever imagined. A lot of things were going on behind the scene, and in my heart. God really used the small break in life’s normal routine (or lack thereof) to make me stop and face some things I had been avoiding. One evening the father of the home I was staying in shared a devotional with us. He asked us something that hit me so hard. He said “what do you have in your hand?” In other words, what are you holding onto that can be used of God.

The one thing that I realized I was holding onto big time was writing. I know I can write (sometimes not as clearly as others), but it’s just not something I do. I do it to serve my purposes. That’s what this book is for. It will bring me outside my comfort zone, and completely focus my eyes on Christ. I cannot write. I cannot write anything close to a book that people will want to read. So why do I feel this passion, this burning desire, this heart that is so very full of things I want, I need to say?  I can only say it is because it is something God has placed in my hand. He gave me this ability, and however much I don’t believe in myself, it is something I must do. I hold it tightly in my hand, so very afraid to let it out, scared to share, scared that I will comepletely fail. That’s why this is not about me, but it so is.

I started writing it, and realized very quickly I needed to evaluate my heart completely. I had to set some boundaries, and determine what was needful to say, and what would be too much. I needed to set down what my purposes were, and how I would serve others. I am memorizing many verses, so many of them about pride! Do you know that when you write a book you use the words I and me way too many times?!

I finally realized I need to just give this over to God, and do it. He will handle the rest, as long as I give it my best. Prayers are greatly appreciated!

*Edited to add this amazing song*

“Make It Matter”

Pack my bags and my regrets
Every second that I’ve wasted
Chasing after
My pursuit of happiness
Has only left me searching
There must be more

Take my life and lift me up to the sky
Take my dreams and help me to fly
On the wings of possibility
Come rewrite my history
(till it’s) only you I’m chasing after
Take this life and make it matter

Help me give more than I take
Let me see into somebody else’s heartache
And be the difference love can make
My heart is finally finding
That there is more

Only one life to live
Only one love to give
Only one life, only one love
So make it, make it matter

~ Natalie Grant

Reflections On My Book

As I sit here listening to Steve Green’s song “Always” I thought through my book, and what I want to do with it. My life has been full of good things, and I never want to forget that. But it has also been regularly cloudy at times. Because those are the times that have molded me and changed me the most, those are often when I have written about when preparing material for my book. I don’t want anyone to read my book and feel sorry for me, and think “oh, she’s had a hard life” because I haven’t. If God was just I would be in hell this very moment. His mercies consume me, His hand protects me, and He is working all things out for my good. That is the message, that is the ryhthm in the symphony of my life. I’ve been working on it a bit more lately, and I thought it was time to post a couple of exerpts. Mainly to keep me accountable to the world wide web, because I said I would do this. So I’m doing it.

Chapter 13*: Our Heather

“The whole family was assembled, and we stood around the dining room watching Heather. In the stillness of that moment, the little girl doctors said would never walk, walked the length of the room. Leaning on her walker, she walked across the room with the biggest smile on her face….

… She began getting sick, and losing that precious ground she had gained. Little by little she slipped away from us until January 1st, 2005. On new years day, alone with her mom, she slipped from this world, and rested in her Heavenly Father’s arms….

… I miss my spunky little cousin. I miss her sitting on my lap and stealing my Barbie dolls. I miss her croaky little voice and her mischevious smile. But I know she is doing things I could only dream about. Even in Heaven she is probably causing all kinds of trouble. She might be pinning robes together, or trying to paint the streets of gold pink. I know Jesus is shaking His head at our little piece of Scottish Heather.”

Chapter 15*: Saying Goodbye

” Before we left I walked through each room, remembering so many good times. Each room brought new tears to my eyes. From our laundrey room that held my dog and her puppies, to my brother’s bedroom where one of his friends put a hole in his blinds, to my aqua room where I grew up. There was our back porch where I would swing and pretend I was flying, to my parent’s room where I spent many sick days, to our living room where we played paper baseball the summer of the fires….

… We shut the door one last time, and I couldn’t help realizing as we locked the door how many precious memories filled that house. We drove off, I looked back one last time, and then it was gone. We were gone. One life ending, and another just beginning….”

An Undertaking of Enormous Proportions

Let me just give a disclaimer first. I am not a writer. I do not like writing. I have never had a passion for writing like my dad and brother. I never liked those English classes. I am not a writer.

God has a huge sense of humor.

I am writing a book. Me, myself, and I. Without someone holding a gun to my head.

This is something I’ve felt like I was supposed to do for awhile now. Last night I finally decided to go ahead and do it. After I had outlined it, and read it a trillion billion million times I looked at the paper, took a deep breath and said “I can’t do this yes I can.” Last night the message was about reaching your full potential when you finally realize that you can do nothing, but Christ can do anything through you. Oooh boy. If this book is finished in the next fifty years it will be because of Christ, and Christ alone.

I am not going to announce the title of my book because I know I will take my sweet time on this, and I don’t want to walk into a bookstore someday and see a book with the same title.

Here I go, loaded down with God’s grace. I lay myself on the alter. I am weak, I am nothing. I am not capable. But God is.

“In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him.

Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.

For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” ~ Ephesians 3:12-20