My Life

*Whew!* This sums up my daily thought as I go to sleep each night. I have less than 2 months until I leave for Spain, and only 3 more weeks until I leave my job. I will miss my kiddos!!! My days until I leave for a much needed vacation in Florida are insanely PACKED. I have a list of photoshoots, dinners, trips across town, and much much more that fills an entire page. And all this in uh…4 weeks? Plus working 50 hours a week. Oh yeah. Life is full, and I love it.

Recent events include…

GETTING MY NEW CAMERA It needs a name though, so any suggestions are more than welcome. My baby’s new shots are up on Pebbles Of Joy.

I took my last few shots with my stupid broken ridiculous old camera.

I am official a rebel girl

I am completely and utterly happy. And Busy.

Espana!

Awhile back I posted about a journey of faith that Jesus was taking me on. I hinted at things, and now as God has chosen to bring this path into the light, I feel I can share more about it.

When I was only twelve years old I felt that God was calling me to the mission field. I could hardly wait for the church service to be over to rush up to my dad (the pastor) and tell him. But God has simply not chosen to open any doors for overseas service. Each summer as others travel on missions trips I feel so left behind. As they share their stories and testimonies of changed lives I find myself in tears, longing so very much for that to be me. But each time so many things have blocked my way.

Back in September or October I was talking with my lifelong friend Deanna about my desire to serve overseas. I mentioned that I was open to traveling anywhere, even to Spain, where God has led them. She gave me information about how long I would be able to stay in Spain, when would be the best time to come, and gave some rough estimations about costs. I would be able to live with their family, help start their church, maybe work at some Christian camps, and a lot more. Immediately I felt God telling me that this was what He had been saving for me all these years. All those two week missions trips I missed are nothing compared to being able to live in a foreign country for 3 months with people my family has known for my entire life.

As I began to pray that God would open doors if He wanted me to go, my spiritual life grew so much. The amount of money I needed to earn/raise was staggering to me. The permission to be prayed in seemed like a huge challenge, and the list of obstacles grew with each day.

I decided to take a step of faith in November, and applied for my passport. Last year it was taking 6 months to get a passport, and I had exactly that much time before I needed to have it. There were questions about the paperwork that could possibly push things back even farther, and I had to just take it to the Lord. Only TEN days after submitting my paperwork I received my passport. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! That was the first time that I truly felt God was going to continue to open doors for me.

A major burden on my heart was the desire to give away as much as possible to the people I would be serving with. Abigail and Lauren gave me a book by Randy Alcorn called The Treasure Principle. In it he compared giving to the work of a postal person. You wouldn’t expect them to simply take the mail home, but to deliver it to the recipient. So maybe when God gives us money to manage (because it’s all truly His anyway), we are simply to deliver it to the right person. For this reason I felt God burdening my heart to be able to earn as much of my way as possible, and use any gifts I might receive to pass on to others. I am so excited to see how much I can earn, save, and give away! After all, when you die you can’t take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.

The search for a job was long, and I wasn’t able to find anything as soon as I wanted it. My deadline was January, and I realized that if I didn’t have at least a part time job by January I would not be able to make the trip.

December found me googling jobs, quickly applying for one I never thought I’d get, and then receiving a call from them the very next day. I interviewed that next week, and then waited through the long Christmas and New Years break for news. Finally (God’s time sure is slower than my time : ) ) I heard back that I did indeed have the job! It has far exceeded my expectations. I went to work the first day with a card in my pocket that read “Press toward the Goal,” to remind myself that no matter how I liked it, I must press on. I came home from the first day rejoicing and saying “I LOVE MY JOB!” How amazing is God? Really, to provide everything when I truly needed it, and then, He throws in an amazing job, because He can. I give Him praise for truly knowing and fulfilling the desires of my heart.

Right now I am planning to leave for Spain, Lord willing. There are still obstacles to be overcome, plans to be made, and things to be worked out. I am already in love with the country, and cannot imagine how amazing this will be. God is teaching me so much about submission, faith, trust, hope, dying daily, and obedience. I cannot begin to describe the journey in words, and I am excited that this is only beginning.

Please join me in praying for His will, for open doors, for the shutting of wrong doors, for provision, and for complete faith and submission to His heart’s desire for me. Thank you all for caring and praying. He is truly worthy to be praised.

Jesus Tales

My friends Abigail and Lauren over at Pearls and Diamonds have started a special page dedicated to “Jesus Tales“. I had wanted to do a post sharing my salvation testimony, but this got me started. I thought I would post it over here also. Stay tuned for a post about that overseas trip I’ve been hinting at.

I like to say that Jesus saved me just in the nick of time. I know that we are all one heartbeat from hell, but I know how very close I was to being lost forever.

I was a very fearful child. I loved my family, and couldn’t imagine a life away from them. So at the age of seven, when I first remember hearing about hell, and the rapture, I was terrified. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying, and praying on the couch with my dad. Although I grew up in a pastor’s home and was a well behaved girl, I know that something was missing. At ten I once again prayed the sinners prayer, once again out of fear, this time because my friends were getting saved at church camp, and I didn’t want to lose them too. I knew that I prayed, and was a good person, so I thought that was the evidence of Christ in me, not my good works. When I was fourteen I remember realizing for the first time that I was living only for myself, in the works of the “flesh.” Christ was not the Lord of my heart. By this time I was so embarrassed because I had already come forward twice, in a very small church. My best friends were missionary kids, and of course I was the pastor’s daughter. For a solid year I lived a lie. During this year my heart because so hard with pride, fear, and sin. I know my heart was dark as dark can be, to be able to resist Jesus’ love for me. I literally walked away from Him, running from each situation to be under conviction.  Finally, one day during Algebra, I simply turned to my mom with tears in my eyes and said “mom, I need to be saved.” I don’t remember the words, but I do remember that this time it was not out of fear, but out of the realization that I was a sinner and truly needed my perfect Savior. I immediately called my dad at work, and then took a deep breath and called my best friend. My pride had been in the way the whole time, afraid at the reaction of others, but her reaction was anything but judgmental. She was SO happy for me, and said she had known something wasn’t right and had prayed for me as we prayed together on our weekly “prayer dates.” Everyone else was so happy for me, if not a little confused at first. One friend’s mom called to make sure someone hadn’t played a practical joke. As I stood beside my dad at church I’ll never forget his words. With tears in his eyes he said that he would rather stand beside me one hundred times and know for sure, than to risk eternity.

Just a short time later I lost everything. I lost all I had known, all I had ever loved. I looked at my family with tears streaming down my face and said, “I am so glad Jesus saved me, because if I had waited just that much longer I know my heart would have hardened forever.” I was a sinner, saved by grace. I was a hurting, lonely baby Christian, held in His arms. I was a toddler, taking my first steps in life while holding tightly to His hand. Today I still cling to Him so tightly, and as we walk hand in hand on this journey of life. I dream about the day I will walk on those streets of gold, and fall into His embrace. It will be “Far beyond my deepest heart’s desire, far beyond what I could ever dream, far beyond a fairy tale imagination, ” it is His “perfect love for me.”

A Year In Review: 2008 Edition

January- Coming back from Florida at the end of December brought a lot of challenges to my life. I desperately wanted to stay. I wanted to be somewhere other than here. I wanted to run my own life, no matter what anyone else or even God wanted. Also in the middle of January I created Only One Life, my handy dandy blog. I also got to see the most snow I’ve ever seen, have a snowball fight with my family, AND build a snowman But, January was such a hard time for me, with longings of the heart pulling against what I knew to be God’s will for me.

February- In February we traveled to Alabama for an evangelistic meeting my dad was preaching. As soon as we arrived my poor back started to spasm and I became very ill. On top of everything I got a nasty virus and my fever was constantly spiking. I finally got over it, but a couple days after we arrived home I began to have the worst back spasm I’ve ever had, lasting over four days. Those four days were filled with so much pain, tears, and just struggling to breathe. Through it all God’s presence was SO real to me, and I truly learned that “No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still.” I turned 19 in February and had an amazing party (“I got my picture with you!”) and felt loved by all. My actual birthday was a little rough, but definitely picked up when the amazing Tiffany surprised me with a surprise outing for ice cream and heart to hearts

March- March came in with the beautiful news of my best friend’s new relationship, and hopes for a wedding. With those beautiful changes also came hard realizations that things would be changed forever. It was also during this wonderful time that God led me to start the most insane thing ever. For those of you who don’t know, I am writing a book. Me, myself and I. Oy.  Read more about that here. 

April- April was a good month, filled with peace to calm the storm that came in January. I learned…

“…For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater…
…For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace…”

But it was still hard not to go painting pictures of Egypt

May- May brought me a much needed break away from everything. Darling Aimee brought me down to stay with her at her little cottage. Of course it was the week after she went on vacation with Mike so she was hopelessly lost in her dream world. It was a wonderful break, and God taught me SO much about contentment, and complete trust in Him.

June- In June I began Pebbles Of Joy. My best friend also got engaged to Joshua Duggar on the 23rd. Some of you who have TLC have been able to see the engagement story. It was a beautifully bittersweet time as we prayed together the day before she got engaged. I love her, and am so thankful for her amazing heart for God.

July- July was a hard month as I continued to work for the Portrait Studio. It was such an emotionally draining job, with constant pressure. But God is good, and continued to help me through it. Our church had another VBS, and we had even more kids than last year! One amazing little boy named Orick changed our lives forever I think. What a precious soul, brought into God’s family!

(In my private note to family and friends I had Orick’s picture here, but have decided not to put that on this public blog, thus the blank space )

August- In August a crushing blow was dealt to my hopes of making it to my best friends wedding. As I cried to my Heavenly Father He reminded me that circumstances do not change His perfect love for me, and no matter what, I still belong to me, and He never leaves my side. After giving it over to Him my heroic brother chose between taking me to her wedding, and going to one of his oldest friend’s wedding. In his words “If I had to choose between being there for him, or supporting you, I’d choose you.” Yeah…I melted too.

September – In September I took some beautiful people’s engagement pictures and endured way too much PG-ness. Ew. Just kidding guys, I love ya!

The end of September something I thought would never happen, happened. A day I honestly thought never would come, came. Something I had given up praying for, because I believed it to be impossible, became very real. On September 26th, 2008, 4 years and 2 months after saying what we both thought was a final goodbye, my best friend and I were joyfully reunited. As I sat in the wedding audience tears streamed down my face. So different from tears of previous days, and previous years. Tears of joy. I silently thanked my dear Jesus, who is SO good to me. He brought impossible things to pass, He healed broken hearts, and He has truly brought beauty for ashes. After returning home I looked at my mom with tears in my eyes and said with joy in my heart, “He really has redeemed the years mom…like it says in the Bible, ‘He redeems the years the locust have eaten.’ What man meant for evil, He has meant for good!”

October – I began job searching in October, and it has been a long road! It seemed as if October was the month for bad news. Friends losing husbands, Blogging friends losing brothers and nephews, broken dreams, mistakes, but through it all God gave grace to “weep with those that weep.”

November – November came to me bringing a lot of extra challenges with friends. Re-evaluating friendships, and honestly taking a step back from the situation. Trying to learn to guard my heart just that much closer, to trust my Heavenly Father more. As a friend reminded me, “He is worthy to be trusted.” Friends may fail, family may leave, but He is still faithful. “He cannot deny Himself.”

December- This December has been all about family. Skipping the usual hectic parties for some serious family time was wonderful. Lunches with “sisters”, and family time in Florida. This Christmas was so much different from last year. God gave me this overwhelming sense of peace the entire time we were in Florida, and not one moment was tainted with sadness. The memories didn’t bring tears to my eyes, but rather a smile. Somehow I think this year is less about a new chapter in my life, and more about the beautiful end to a rather hard chapter. My story is still going, and I am so excited to see what God is going to do in this new year!

“Every day is fresh, with no mistakes in it.”

“It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.”

Happy Birthday Brother

 Today is my best friend/brother’s birthday. He’s at work and I can only talk to him over email. I was thinking about doing a tribute to him, and I realized I had already done that. While he was away earlier this year I posted different memories of him. You can click on the links below to read each of those short entries.

I just want to publicly thank my brother Stephen for being such a good brother, and the best friend someone could ask for. Stephen, your humilty and integrity puts me to shame. You have such a kind heart, and you are always ready to love someone, no matter what. You have encouraged, prodded, and sometimes dragged me along the right course in life, and for that I can only thank you. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know where, or who I would be. Your love for Christ shines so bright others cannot help but see. I love you!

• Best Friend and Brother
• The Love of a Brother
• From Enemies to Friends
• We Know Each Other’s Hearts

The last sentence of that last post summed it up perfectly. “I will always love him for loving me, and standing beside me, and often in front of me, in the face of the storm.”

Girltime Part 1

Because I knew in advance I would miss Allison’s birthday party, we were able to arrange a little one on one time this past week. We started out the evening going to a Mary Kay makeover party. While this was not my cup of tea, it turned out to be really fun, even if Alli and I were the only ones without wrinkles. We ended the evening at the party by learning the super-duper (not) Mary Kay rap. Basically, it just goes “Hey hey, I like Mary Kay” over and over. I have a feeling we will laugh about that one for years. After that we went home and watched the Olympics (go Michael Phelps!) and then talked into the wee hours of the morning. The next day we went swimming, and it was really fun! I absolutely love swimming and have missed the once or twice a week ritual since moving from Florida. We managed to laugh even while swimming, especially when Alli couldn’t figure out the “water hula” I tried to teach her. Here are some pictures from our makeovers…

 They used Allison for a model

That ponytail is not my fault. Our instructor decided to do that all of a sudden!

And yes, Allison was in the picture with me here, but she dislikes it greatly, so I was forced to crop her out.

I am…

I am… ashamed when I realize how much more like Christ I could be.
I think… that those who expect life to be easy are fools.
I know… that I can make it with Christ’s help.
I want… to fufill my purpose in life by glorifying God in everything that I do.
I have… more than I deserve
I wish… that things were different.
I hate…hypocrisy, and naivaty.
I miss… my home, and the pieces of my heart I left behind.
I fear… so so much.
I feel… pukish.
I hear… Christ gently calling me closer to His side.
I smell… the rain on the pavement in the summer.
I search… for a place to call home.
I wonder… if I will ever find that place before Heaven.
I regret… Not saying goodbye.
I love… the sound of my best friend’s laughter.
I care… about life, love, … Christ.
I always…feel the fight for justice.
I am not… a patient person.
I believe… the greatest promise ever… “No more tears”
I dance… when no one’s looking
I sing… with a full heart
I don’t always…remember to stop and smell the roses.
I write… not as good as it sounds in my head.
I win… when I lose everything for His sake.
I lose…when I live for myself.
I never… thought I would lose so much, and feel so full.
I listen… for His calming voice in the darkest of nights.
I can usually be found… lost in my thoughts.
I’m scared of… living a life that changes nothing.
I read… and my world is transformed for as long as the words last.
I am happy about… His persistent love.

Alabaster Hearts

I have been interviewed! Check it out over at Alabaster Box. Leave comments too!

Needing Each Other

When we moved, Stephen and I became each other’s only friend. Nothing brings two siblings together like not knowing anyone else, and living in the weirdest place ever. There were a couple of times we would look at each other during a party at someone’s house, and know that we were both thinking the same thing. Let’s get out of here! Life was too wierd, and it was so hard making new friends. We still managed to have the best times together, and even if the big Christmas party of the year was uncomfortable we would go grab Chinese and have our own party! We stood by each other through the long hard times, and encouraged each other during the process of making other friends. We both can rest in the assurance though, that no matter what, we will always be best friends.

We Know Each Other’s Hearts

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. “
- Clara Ortega

Memory # 4: Non-specificness

During the hardest time of my life, Stephen and I became extremely close. There were days when he would just hold me while I cried, and hold my hand in silence.  He was my avenger, he faced my own personal demons with me, and protected me as much as possible. There were days at work where the smallest thing would make me burst into tears. My brother would gladly cover my job and his while I ran to the bathroom to have a good cry and come back. He never complained, never acted irritated, and was always willing to do whatever it took to make me ok again. He listened even when I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and cheered me on even through the dark storm. Those times, while extremely hard and heartbreaking, I would not trade for the world. Those were the times that changed me, and that made us best friends. I will always love him for loving me, and standing beside me, and often in front of me, in the face of the storm.